Worst Women’s Dating Guide (Sarcasm Only!)
Want to Die Alone? Then This Guide is for You!
TL;DR – It’s Not You, It’s Everyone Else
Tired of getting matches but no dates? Amazing. That means your strategy is working perfectly 💅:
📸 Only use selfies from your best friend’s wedding in 2017. It’s all about nostalgia. Do not even think about hiring a Toronto dating photographer for women.
📝 Write a bio that says nothing but uses all 500 characters, OR better yet—a grocery list of features you HATE in guys. Nothing excites a man more than your complaining before he’s even matched with you.
🙄 Answer “hey” with “lol”, or just like his message and then ghost. Real power move. Really ups your attractiveness and karma points.
🚀 Keep every convo in-app forever. Nothing says chemistry like prolonged small talk.
🚀🚀 BONUS TIP: the more match convos you have, the more power you have over men. If you’re ever at a bar and a man refuses to buy you a free drink because your personality sucks, show him how many matches you have!
Let’s Be Real (Or Just Keep Pretending)
Dating in Toronto feels like starring in a rom-com that got canceled after the pilot 🎬:
✅ Matches.
✅ Messages.
❌ Dates.
❌ Hope.
✅ Wine.
But that’s not on you. That’s on the universe. You bear no responsibility for your misery.
Your Photos: Give Them Nothing
You’re a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a Snapchat filter from 2016. Own it.
✅ Do this:
💄 Post five photos from the same night out where you were peak hot and marginally coherent.
🤳 Selfies only—make sure they’re always taken from below for that confident chin dominance.
👻 Use at least one filtered pic that gives you dog ears or heart eyes. Gotta weed out the serious men.
🌫️ Add one group photo where even you can’t tell who you are.
🚫 Don’t:
📸 Show variety, authenticity, or anything that might make someone feel like they would want to talk to you in real life. Ew.
Write a Bio That Tells Men Absolutely Nothing
If your bio doesn’t read like the vague side of a fortune cookie, you’re doing it wrong.
✅ Great bios include:
“Just looking around 😊” – Wow, so mysterious.
“I never know what to put here lol” – Queen of effort.
“No f***boys 🙅♀️” – Start strong with that red-flag energy.
Or… skip it altogether. Let them fall in love with your cropped arm in photo #3.
🚫 Avoid:
☕ Actually saying what you want. Clarity is exclusively for LinkedIn.
Bonus points for matching with guys you know you’ll ignore. That’s how you keep the numbers up 📈
🚫 Don’t actually message first. Effort and expressing interest is embarrassing.
🚫 Having a good chat with a nice guy? At the peak of your conversation, ghost him. Have faith, it works.
Here’s what to do:
👸 Swipe on everyone and then get overwhelmed.
🚩 Keep chatting with the guy who’s given you slight serial killer energy. Maybe he just texts weird? IYDYD (if you die, you die).
🙅♀️ Definitely don’t set boundaries in your profile. That’s only for people with self-respect.
Turning Matches Into Actual Dates? Gross. Why Would You?
👑 Stick to 4 dating apps. Multitasking makes it feel more like a job you hate.
📲 Only check them when you’re 3 glasses in and hate-watching The Bachelor after a breakup.
🗓️ If the convo’s good, ignore it until next week. That’ll show him who’s in charge.
✅ Got a good guy who’s inviting you out for a date?
“Idk, I’m busy.” - and don’t bother proposing an alternate date/time/place. Effort is a sign of weakness.
“Maybe we can hang… sometime.” - Let nothing be clear or firm so you never have to commit to plans.
Or just share your Spotify Wrapped and see what happens.
Bottom Line: Who Needs a Date When You’ve Got Screenshots?
📸 Use the same filtered selfie across apps. Bunny ears and nose filter is a bonus. The less of your face they can see, the better!
📝 Write a cryptic bio that would confuse a psychic.
💬 Only reply when Mercury’s in Gatorade.
🎯 And keep filtering until your future husband dies of old age in your inbox.
Dating success? Overrated. You’re doing great, sweetie 💁♀️
