Worst Men’s Dating Guide (Sarcasm Only!)
Terrible Dating Advice For Giga-Chad™ Men.
WARNING! Taking this advice will make you die alone. Doing the opposite, might just turn you into a modern day Romeo.
TL;DR – Because Trying is for Losers
Still not getting dates? Perfect. That means you’re probably doing everything right—by Toronto man standards anyway 👏:
📸 Use blurry, mysterious, possibly haunted photos from 2008 when you had abs. Mystery is hot. New dating photos from a Toronto professional photographer for men will NOT help you scare the ladies away.
🧠 Write a bio that could double as your resume, a cry for help, or a grocery list of features you don’t want in a woman. Nothing attracts women like complaining about what you hate in women. Don’t forget to make tons of red pill references like “I’m a CHAD!”!
💬 Start every convo with “hey”,, “sup”, or our personal favourite: “wyd.” Nothing shows effort quite like abbreviations do.
🎯 Get a match? Ghost her instantly. Nothing says confidence like not speaking to her after expressing basic interest.
Let’s Get Into It (Or Don’t, Whatever)
Dating apps in Toronto are a game. A very dumb, glitchy game that you are definitely losing. You’re swiping like your thumb’s trying to file for workers’ comp, getting nada, and when you do match—it’s with someone whose profile says “Just ask :)” 🙃
The good news? It’s not your fault. It’s everyone else’s. Because personal accountability is for nerds.
Your Photos: Make Sure They’re Useless
Photos are the first impression. So why not make that impression like you’ve been “recently released from captivity”?
✅ Go for:
🚗 Car selfies with your seatbelt on—nothing screams sex appeal like Kia upholstery.
🛏️ Gym mirror selfies with the flash in your face—mysterious and glassy-eyed.
🤳 Four identical selfies from slightly different angles. A true display of range.
📸 Pics so old, you shot them with a flip phone.
BONUS: hold someone else’s dog in a selfie.
🚫 Avoid anything that makes you look… dateable. Natural sunlight? Who are you, GQ?
Write a Bio That Screams “Please Swipe Left”
Why let women get to know you when you can just confuse and disappoint them instead?
✅ Ideal bios include:
“Just ask” – because opening up is for suckers.
“Work hard, play hard” – add “nap hard” and you’re basically a philosopher.
“Looking for my queen” – bro, girls love when you go medieval on them. Why you think Vikings, and Game of Thrones did so well?
Or just… nothing at all. Silence is powerful. Not lazy.
🚫 Avoid bios with personality. People might actually respond, and then where will you be? Talking? Gross.
First Message? Keep It Dead Inside 💀 Do NOT let your personality shine through, else she may be interested in a real life date. That’s not what we’re after here.
Matched? shoot your shot—straight into The Trash Can
✅ Go with:
“Hey.” Short. Zero effort. Shows mad confidence, bruh.
“You’re hot.” Because stating the obvious shows dominance.
Or go bold: “Netflix?” before you’ve exchanged a single human sentence. Alpha energy baby! 🐺
🚫 DO NOT reference her profile. That implies you read it—genuine attempts to learn more about them makes you reek of desperation.
Reality Check (But We Prefer Denial)
Let’s talk numbers:
📉 You’re getting 1–2 matches per 100 swipes.
🧠 Your game plan? Just keep doing the same thing but sadder.
💪 Unless you’re a genetically blessed Giga-Chad™ who was born shirtless, then congrats—you’re basically a real life, walking Tinder man.
And FYI:
Women rarely message first.
And if they do, it’s either “accidental swipe” energy or they lost a bet.
Actually Turning Matches Into Dates? Nah, Sounds Like Work
📱 Just swipe mindlessly in bed. Who needs a strategy when you have carpal tunnel?
✉️ Wait 3–5 business days to respond. Women love suspense.
🍷 When you finally message her, suggest drinks tonight, preferably at 11 p.m., at your place, “to chill.” And remember, start that convo with “wyd” because remember? Women love acronyms! It shows effort.
🚫 Absolutely do NOT:
Ask genuine questions.
Make casual, low-pressure plans.
Seem like someone who has interacted with another human before.
Final Thoughts From Your Inner Bro
If you’re in Toronto and not getting results, clearly the app is broken. Or society. Or according to that cutie you recently ignored, the moon phase 🌚.or was it Mercury retrograding? Who cares. She sucks anyway.
Definitely not your blurry ass photos or “Work hard, play hard” bio.
✅ Keep your profile just the way it is.
✅ Keep messaging like you’re an unmotivated chatbot.
✅ And definitely keep believing your 2010 beach bod pic is still doing the work.
✅ Make sure to quote Andrew Tate at every possible opportunity. Because nothing turns a woman on more than “what colour is your Bugatti?”
You’ve got this, Romeo. And if all else fails—there’s always your mom’s couch and a half-eaten protein bar to come home to ❤️
